1. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 
2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
8. Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
9. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
10. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
11. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
12. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
13. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
14. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
15. You can't have everything....where would you put it?
16. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
17. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
18. Half of the people in the world are below average.
19. Life in a vacuum sucks
20. "Calm down. It's only ones and zeros."
21. To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
22. On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
23. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
    
    
24. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
25. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
    
26. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
    
    
27. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not
    screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
    
    
28. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
29. "Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
    
    
30. "I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly
    
    
31. "Suicide Hotline...please hold."
    
    
32. "To err is human, to forgive....$5.00"
    
    
33. Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove
    all doubt.
34. Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
35. As I said before, I never repeat myself
36. Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
37. Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
    
    
38. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
39. H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
    
    
40. How do you make Windows faster ? Throw it harder
41. I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
    
    
42. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
    
    
43. I think, therefore I am. I think.
    
    
44. I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
45. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
    
    
46. I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
    
47. If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
    
    
48. If I save time, when do I get it back ?
    
    
49. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
    
    
50. If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
    
    
51. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
    
    
52. If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
    
    
53. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
    
    
54. If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
    
    
55. In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
    
    
56. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
    
57. Kill them all! ... Let God sort them out.
    
    
58. Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
    
    
59. Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
    
    
60. So many lawyers, so few bullets.
    
    
61. So many pedestrians, so little time.
62. Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive.
    
    
63. Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
    
    
64. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
65. Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
    
    
66. Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
    
    
67. Was today really Necessary?
    
    
68. Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray
    
    
69. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
    
    
70. You can't have everything...where would you put it?
    
    
71. Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
72. God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a
    final copy.
    
73. Jesus is coming, look busy
74. To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
    
    
75. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
    
    
76. Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
    
    
77. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
    
    
78. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
    
79. ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
    
    
80. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    
    
81. Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
    
    
82. VENI, VIDI, VISA - I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
    
83. Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a
    Peeing Section in a pool!
    
84. Conserve energy... fart in a jar.
    
    
85. It's all fun and games,'till someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*
    
86. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.  Tomorrow
    isn't looking good either.

87. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege

88.  f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng