There is no such thing as child-proofing
your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies
and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 year old's voice is louder than 200
adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling
fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb. boy wearing underwear and a superman cape.
It is however strong enough to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20 by 30 ft. room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings
You should not throw baseballs up when
the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you
have to throw the baseball up a few times before getting a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long
way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane)
does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear a toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke,
and lots of it.
A six year old boy can start a fire with
a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do that in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even
on an overcast day.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while
wearing baseball shoes it does not leak- it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water
to fill a 2000 sq foot house inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive track
of a four year old - Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be
used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming
pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches
even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise
when driving.
You probably don't want to know what that
smell is.
Always look in the oven before you turn
it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does
not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when
dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through
most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).